N°- LX. 



»R 3454 

.113 

1823 

:°py i OXBBRRYS 

,•':'■■ v 

\ 7tr if *mr \ 



JSIEW 



<E£ngli$ft il\n\\;x> 



THE MISUSE, U 

J^rwra iFUUrtws. I ♦ 

— U- 

<> 

boston: f X 

it* 

1823. 1^ 



PUBLISHED BY WELLS AND LILLY— COURT-STREET : ! 
A. T. GOODRICH & CO. NEW- YORK. 



mum 



CONTAINED IN THIS EDITION, AS PAR AS YET PUB- 
LISHED IN ENGLAND. 



No. I A New Way to Pay Ola" 
Debts. 

2 Rivals. 

3 West Indian. 

4 Hypocrite. 

5 Jealous Wife. 

6 She Stoops to Conquer. 

7 Richard III. 

8 Beggar's Opera. 

9 Wonder. 

10 Duenna. 

11 Alexander the Great. 

12 Lionel and Clarissa. 

13 Hamlet. 

14 Ve'nice Preserved. 

15 Is He Jealous? * 

16 The Woodman's Hut. * 

17 Love in a Village v 

18 Way to Keep Hiik * 

19 Castle Spectre. f 

20 Maid of the Mill. 

21 Clandestine Marriage. 

22 Soldier's Daughter. 

23 Othello. 

24 Distressed Mother. 

25 Provoked Husband. 

26 Deaf and Dumb. 

27 Busy Body. 

28 Belle's Stratagem. 

29 Romeo and Juliet. 
30 'Recruiting Officer. 

31 Bold Stroke for a Wife. 

32 Road to Ruin. 

33 Beaux' Stratagem. 

34 As you Like It. 

35 King John. 

36 Country Girl. 

37 Jane Shore. 

38 Critic. * 



39 Coriolanus. 

40 Rosina. * 

41 Suspicious Husband. 

42 Honest Thieves. * 

43 Mayor of Garratt. * 

44 Merry Wives of Windsor. 

45 Stranger. 

46 Three Weeks after Mar- 

riage. * 

47 King Lear. 

48 Inconstant. 

49 Shipwreck. * « 

50 Rugantino. * 

51 Wild Oats. 

52 Rule a Wife and Have a 

Wife. 

53 Magpie. * 
^Quaker. * 

59 Merchant of Venice. 
5^ Wheel of Fortune. 

57 Rob Roy. 

58 Citizen. * 

59 Deserter. * 

60 Miser. * 

61 Guy Mannering. 

62 Cymbeline. 

63 Lying Valet. * 

64 Twelfth Night. 

65 The Confederacy. 

66 Douglas. 

67 Who's the Dupe ? * 

68 Know Your own Mind. 

69 Macbeth. 

70 Tobacconist. * 

71 Midnight Hour. 

72 Grecian Daughter. 

73 Fortune's Frolic, * 

74 King Henry IV. 




O* T7iQse marked thus * are Farces or Melo-drames; the 
jices of which are 20 cents; the Plays and Operas 25 cerits. 



©jrtictxg's ISttf tiou. 



THE MISER, 

A comedy; 
1*2 ffeentg jFfeWus, 



WITH PREFATORY REMARKS. 

THE ONLY EDITION EXISTING WHICH IS FAITHFULLY 

MARKED WITH THE STAGE BUSINESS, 

AND STAGE DIRECTIONS, 

AS IT IS PERFORMED AT THE 
By W. OXBERRY, Comedian. 



BOSTON : 



PUBLISHED BY WELLS AND LILLY — COURT-STREET : 
A. T. GOODRICH & CO. — NEW-YORK. 



,rA3 



aw- 



ftrnuitfcj*. 



THE MISER. 



This piece is a plagiarism from Moliere, but it might 
well pass for a tree of English growth, for the characters 
are copies from nature, and nature is every where the 
tame The incidents are more humorous than the dia- 
logue', which is, indeed, rather arch and lively than hu- 
mourous or witty. Moliere, however, is under some obli- 
gations to Plautus, and has, on this occasion, not much 
Later claims to originality than Fielding, at least, as far 
„ character is concerned. Neither seem to have been 
aware that a more judicious reaper had been before them 
on the same ground. Lovegold is infinitely inferior to the 
Jaques de Prie of Ben Jonson in " THE case is alter- 
ed " and in the subordinate characters the advantage is 
still more in favour of our old bard, who mereover, has in- 
cident enough in his piece to furnish out a dozen Misers. 
By uniting the » Miliaria" with the « Captive" of Plau- 
tus he has produced a comedy which, though for awhile 
neglected, must be considered as one of the staple orna- 
ments of the English Drama. 

For our own parts we do not see that comic authors 
should play the divines, or that a comedy should be a les- 
son of morality ; if, however the law is a good one— and 



it has been so decided, — the Miser must be certainly con- 
demned, with many of his more worthy brethren ; the ava- 
rice of Lovegold is no excuse for the knavery of his son 
and daughter,* and the treachery of Mariana ; that he is 
a villain, does not make them more honest, and after all 
it is only the triumph of many young rogues over one old 
«ne, who succeed by lying, cheating, and even down-right 
robbery. 

There is also another great defect in this piece ; the 
speech of each individual bears no distinctive mark ; there 
is a peculiar impress which peculiarity of habit lends to 
language, by which every sort, or at least, class of charac- 
ter, has its own dialect, as certain and as distinct as the 
dialects of Ireland and Scotland, or the patois of Venice ; 
and we invariably find our old poets, — Shakspeare more 
particularly — attentive to this maxim. The dialects of 
Nym, Bardolph, and Falstaff, are as different from each 
other as from the dialect of Greece or Rome ! Nay, even 
Shallow, though so nearly allied in nature and habits, is 
yet, in this respect, sufficiently distinguished. It must, 
however, be allowed, that this excellence is extremely rare 
since the decay of the great English School, and the want 
of it therefore must be lightly visited in Fielding. 

* The daughter,, and many other characters, are omit- 
ted in representation. 



<£08ttnue» 



LOVEGOLD. 

Old fashioned drab suit. 

FREDERICK. 
Fashionable walking dress. 

RAMILIE. 
Dress livery. 

FURNISH. 
Ibid. 

SPARKLE. 
Old fashioned brown suit. 

SATIN. 
Old fashioned black suit. 

LIST. 
Brown coat, fancy waistcoat, and black breeches^ 

LAWYER. 
Old fashioned black suit. 

SERVANT. 
Livery. 

JAMES. 
First dress.— Old fashioned livery.— Second dress.— White jaeket and 
apron. 

MRS, WISELY. 
Old lady's rich satin dress. 

MARIANA. 
Blue body, and muslin petticoat. 

LAPPET. 
Coloured muilin gown. 



iteratro fttpvtmntrt. 



Lovegold- 

Frederick 

Ramilie 

Furnish 

Sparkle 

Satin 

List 

Lawyer 

Servant 

James 

Mrs. Wisely 

Mariana 

Lappet 



Covent Garden, 
Mr. Farren. 
Mr. Abbot. 
■ Mr. Farley. 
Mr. Atkins. 
Mr. Comer. 
Mr. King. 
Mr. Treby. 
Mr. Crumpton. 
Mr. Perm. 
Mr. Simmons. 

Mrs. Emery. 
Miss Matthews. 
Mrs. Gibbs. 



THE MISER, 



ACT I. 

SCENE l.—Lovegold's House. 

Enter Lovegold and Ramilie, l.h. 

Love. Answer me not sirrah, but get out of my 
house. 

Ram. Sir, T am your son's servant, and not 
yours, and I wont go out of the house, sir, unless 
I am turned out by my proper master, sir. 

Love. Sirrah, I'll turn your master out after 
you, like an extravagant rascal as he is ; he has 
no need of a servant while he is in my house ; 
and here he dresses out a fellow at more expense 
than a prudent man might clothe a large family 
at. It's plain enough what use he keeps you 
for; but I will have no spy upon my affairs, no 
rascal continually prying into all my actions, de- 
vouring all I have, and hunting about in every 
corner to see what he may steal. 

Ram. Steal ! a likely thing indeed to steal from 
a man who locks up every thing he has, and 
stands sentry upon it day and night ! 

Love, I'm all over in a sweat, lest thi« fellow 



8 THE MISER. 

should suspect something of my money. — [Aside.) 
— Hark'ye, rascal, come hither : I would advise 
you not to run about the town, and tell every 
body you meet that I have money hid. 

Ram. Why, have you any money hid, sir? 

Love. No, sirrah, I don't say 1 have ; but you 
may raise such a report nevertheless. 

Ram, 'Tis equal to me whether you have mo- 
ney hid or no, since I cannot find it. 

Love. D'ye mutter sirrah? get you out of my 
house, I say, get you out this instant. 

Ram. Well, sir, I am going. 

Love. Come back : let me desire you to carry 
nothing away with you. 

Ram. What should I carry ? 

Love. That's what I would see. Turn your 
pockets inside out if you please ; but you are too 
practised a rogue to put any thing there. These 
damn'd bags have had many a good thing in 
them, I warrant you. 

Ram. Give me my bag, sir ; I am in the most 
danger of being robbed. 

Love. Come, come, be honest, and return what 
tbou hast taken from me. 

Ram. Ay, sir, that I could do with all my heart, 
for 1 have taken nothing from you, but a few 
boxes on the ear. 

Love. And hast thou really stolen nothing ? 

Ram. No, really, sir. 

Love. Then get out of my house while 'tis all 
well, and go to the devil. 

Ram. Ay, any where from such an old covet- 
ous curmudgeon. [Exit, r.h. 



THE MISER. 9 

Love. So, there's one plague gone. Now I 
will go pay a visit to the dear casket. 

Enter Frederick, r.h.u.e. 

In short I must find some safer place to deposit 
those three thousand guineas in, which * receiv- 
ed yesterday ; three thousand guineas are a sum 
— Oh, heavens ! 1 have betrayed myself! my pas- 
sion has transported me to talk aloud, and I have 
been overheard. How now ! what's the matter? 

Fred. The matter, sir! 

Love Yes, the matter, sir? I suppose you can 
repeat more of my words than these ; I suppose 
you have overheard — 

Fred. What sir? 

Love. That — 

Fred. Sir! 

Love. What I was just now saying. 

Fred. Pardon me, sir, I really did not. 

Love. Well, I see you did overhear something, 
and so I will tell you the whole : J was saying 
to myself in this great scarcity of money, what 
a happiness it would be to have three thousand 
guineas by one : I tell you this that you might 
not misunderstand me, and imagine that I said I 
had three thousand guineas. 

Fred I enter not into your affairs, sir. 

Love. But I have an affair of consequence to 
mention to you. Pray sir, you who are a fine 
gentleman, and converse much amongst the la- 
dies, what think you of a certain young lady 
called Mariana ? 



10 THE MISER/ 

Fred. Mariana, 9ir ! 
Love. Ay, what do you think of her? 
Fred. Think of her, sir ! 
Love. Why do yon repeat my words ? Ay\, 
what do you think of her ? 

Fred. Why, I think her the most charming 
woman in the world. 

Love. Would she not be a desirable mateh ? 
Fred. So desirable that, in my opinion, her 
husband will be the happiest of mankind. 

Love. There is one thing fm a little afraid of, 
that is, that she has not quite as much fortune 
as one might fairly expect. 

Fred. Oh, sir ! consider but her merit, and you 

may easily make an abatement in her fortune. 

' For heaven's sake, sir, don't let that prevent 

your design. Fortune is nothing in comparison 

with her beauty and merit. 

Love. Pardon me there; however, there may 
be some matters found, perhaps, to make up 
some little deficiency ; and if you would, to 
oblige your father, retrench your extravagancies 
on this occasion, perhaps the difference in some 
time might be made up. 

Fred. My dearest father ! I'll bid adieu to all 
extravagance for ever. 

Love. Thou art a dutiful good boy ; and since 
I find you have the same sentiments with me, 
provided she can but make out a pretty tolerable 
fortune, I am even resolved to marry her. 
Fred. Ha ! you resolved to marry Mariana ! 
Love. Ay, to marry Mariana. 
Fred. Who ?you, you, you ! 



THE MISER. 11 

Love. Yes, I, I, I. 

Fred. I beg you will pardon me, sir ; a sudden 
dizziness has seized me, and 1 must beg leave to 
retire. [Exit, l.h. 

Love. What the devil's the matter with the 
boy. 

Enter James, l.h. 

Love. Where have you been ? I have wanted 
you above an hour. 

James. Whom did you want, sir ? your coach- 
man or your cook ? for I'm both one and t'other. 

Love. I want my cook. 

James. 1 thought, indeed, it was not your 
coachman : for you have had no great occasion 
for him since your last pair of geldings were 
starved — but your cook, sir, shall wait upon you 
in an instant (Puis off his coachman's great coat, 
and appears as a cook.) Now sir, 1 am ready for 
your commands. 

Love. I am engaged this evening to give a 
supper. 

James. A supper, sir ! I have not heard the 
word this half year; a dinner indeed now and 
then — but for a supper, I'm almost afraid for 
want of practice, my hand is out. 

Love. Leave off your saucy jesting, and see 
that you provide me a good supper. 

James. That may be done with a good deal of 
money, sir. 

Love. Is the devil in you? always money. 
Can you say nothing else but money, money, mo- 



12 THE MISER. 

ney ? my children, my servants, my relations, 
can pronounce nothing but money! 

James. Well, sir, but how many will there be 
at table ? 

Love. About eight or ten ; but I will have 
a supper dressed but for eight ; for if there be 
enough for eight there is enough for ten. 

James. Suppose, sir. at one end a handsome 
soup at the other a fine Westphalia ham and 
chickens; on one side a fillet, of veal, on the 
other a turkey, or rather a bustard, which may 
be had for about a guinea. 

Love. Zounds ! is the fellow providing an en- 
tertainment for my lord mayor and the court of 
aldermen ! 

James. Then a ragout — 

Love. I'll have no ragout — would you burst the 
good people, you d g? 

James. Then pray, sir, say what }'ou will 
have. 

Love. Why! — see and provide something to 
cloy their stomachs : let there be two good dish- 
es of soup-ma >s;re ; a large suet-pudding; some 
dainty fat pork-pie, — very fat. — A fine small lean 
breast of mutton, and a large chsh with two arti- 
chokes. There — that's plenty and variety. 

James. O dear — 

Love. Plenty and variety. 

James. But, Sir, you must have some poultry. 

Loue.' JNTo, I'll have none. 

James. Indeed, sir, you should. 

Love. Well, then — kill the old hen, for she 
has done laving. 



THE MISER. 13 

James. Lord, sir, how the folks will talk ofit ; 
— indeed people say enough of you already. 

Love. Eh ! why what do the people say pray ? 

James. Ah, sir, if I could be assured you would 
not be angry. 

Love. Not at all ; for Pm always glad to hear 
•what the world says of me. 

James. Why, sir, since you will have it then, 
they make a jest of you every where. Nay of 
your servants on your account. — One says you 
pick a quarrel with them quarterly, in order to 
find an excuse to pay them no wages. 

Love. Pah ! pah ! 

James. Another says, that you were taken one 
night stealing your own oats from your own 
horses. 

Love. That must be a lie ; — for I never allow 
them any. 

James. In a word you are the bye word every 
where — and you are never mentioned, but by 
the names of covetous — stingy — scraping old — 

Love. Get along, you impudent villain ! 

James. Nay, sir — you said you would not be 
angry— 
l^Love. Get out! [Exit James, l.h. 

Enter Lappet, r.h. 

Lap. Who's there? 
Love. Ah, is that you, Lappet? 
Lap. I should rather ask if it be you, sir? why, 
you look so young and vigorous — 
Love. Do I, do I ! 
2 * 



14 THE MISER. 

Lap. ,Why, you grow younger and younger 
every day, sir; you never looked half so young 
in your ,hfe, sir, as you do now. Why, sir, I 
know fifty young feliows of five-and-twenty that 
are oider than you are. 

Love.. That may be, that may be, Lappet, 
Considering the lives they lead; and yet 1 am a 
good ten years above fifty. 

Lap. VVell ; and what's ten years above fifty ? 
'tis the very flower of a man's age. Why, sir, 
you are now in the very prime of your life. 

Love. Very true, that's very true, as to under- 
standing; but I'm afraid could I take off twenty 
ye irs it would do me no harm with the ladies, 
Lappet. now goes on our affair with Mariana? 
have you mentioned any thing about what her 
mother can give her ? for now-a-days nobody 
marries a woman unless she brings something 
with her besides her petticoat. 

Lap. Sir ! why, sir, this young lady will be 
worth to you as good a thousand pounds a-yeai 
as ever was told. 

Love. How ! k thousand pounds a-year. 

Lap. Sir, she'll bring you in marriage a vast: 
store of sobriety, the inheritance of a great love 
for simplicity -of dress, and a vast acquired fund 
of hatred for play ; there's your thousand a 
year. 

Love, In short, Lappet, 1 must touch, touch, 
touch, something real. 

Lap. Never fear, you shall touch something 
real. I have heard them talk of a certain coun- 
try where she has a very pretty freehold, which 
shall be put into your hands. 



THE MISER. 16 

Love. Nay, if it were a copyhold I should be 
glad to touch it: but there is another thing that 
disturbs me. You know this girl is young, and 
young people generally love one another's cornr 
pany : it would ill agree with a person of my 
temper to keep an assembly for all the young 
yakes and flaunting girls in town. 

Lap. Ah, sir, how little do you know of her ! 
this is another peculiarity that I had to tell you 
of: she has a most terrible aversion for all, 
young people, and loves none but persons of 
your years. I would advise you above all things 
to take care not to appear too young ; she insists 
on sixty at least : she says fifty years is not able 
t6 content her 

Love. This humour is a little strange, me- 
thinks , to say the truth, had I been a woman I 
should never have loved young fellows 

Lap I believe you. Pretty sort of stuff in- 
deed to be in love with young fellows ! Pretty 
masters indeed with their tine complexions and 
their fine feathers ! Now, I should be glad to 
taste the savour that is in any of them, 

L.-ve. And do you really think me pretty tol- 
erable ? 

Lap. r \ olerable ! you are ravishing ! if your 
picture were drawn by a good hand, sir, it would 
be invaluable ! Turn about a little if you please: 
there, what can be more charming! Let me see 
you walk; (Lovegold struts about.) there's a per- 
son for you ! tall, straight, free, and degag£e ! 
Why, sir, you have no fault about you. 

Love. Not many j hem, hem; not many, I 



U THE MISER. 

thank heaven; only a few rheumatic pains now 
and then, and a small catarrh that seizes me 
sometimes. 

Lap. Ah sir, that's nothing ; your catarrh sits 
very well upon you, and you cough with a very 
good grace. 

Love. But tell me, what does Mariana say of 
my person ? 

Lap. She has a particular pleasure in talking 
of it ; and I assure you, sir, 1 have not been back- 
ward on all such occasions to blazon forth your 
merit, and to make her sensible how advantage- 
ous a match you will be to her. 

Love. You did very well, and I'm obliged to 
you. 

Lap. But, sir, I have a*small favour to ask of 
you — I have a lawsuit depending, which I am 
on the very brink of losing for want of a little 
money; (He looks gravely.) and you could easily 
procure my success if you had the least friend- 
ship for me. You can't imagine, sir, the plea- 
sure she takes in talking of you. — (He looks pleas- 
ed.) — Ah! how you will delight her! how your 
venerable mien will charm her! she will never 
be able to withstand you. — But indeed, sir, this 
lawsuit will be of terrible consequence to me. 
(He looks grave again.) I am ruined if I lose^Lt, 
which a very small matter would prevent. Ah, 
sir, had you but seen the raptures with which 
she has heard me talk of you ! (He resumes his 
gaiety.) how pleasure sparkled in her eyes at 
the recital of your good qualities ! in short, to 
discover a secret to you which I promised to 



THE MISER. 17 

conceal, I have worked up her imagination 
till she is downright impatient of having the 
match concluded. 

L ve. Lappet, you have acted a very friendly 
part: and I own that I have all the obligations 
in the world to you. 

Lap. I beg you would give me this little as- 
sistance, sir ; (He looks serious.) it will set me on 
my feet, and I shall be eternally obliged to you. 
Love. Farewell; I'll go and finish my des- 
patches. 

Lap. I assure you, sir, you could never assist 
me in a greater necessity. 

Love. I must go and give some orders about a 
particular affair — 

Lap. 1 would not importune you, sir, if I was 
not forced by the last extremity. 

Love \ expect the tailor about turning my 
coat. Don't you think this coat will look wejj 
enough turned, with new buttons, for a wedding- 
suit? 

Lap. For pity's sake, sir, don't refuse me this 
small favour: 1 shall be undone, indeed, sir: if 
it were but so small a matter as ten pounds, s?r. 
Love. I think I hear the tailor's voice. 
Lap If it were but five pounds, sir; but three 
pounds, sir: nay, sir, a single guinea would be 
of service for a day or two. (As he offers to go 
out on either side she intercepts him.) 

Love. I must go; I can't stay. Hark there, 
somebody calls me. I'm very much oblige.' to 
you ; indeed 1 am very much obliged to y«>u. 
I'll do for you Lappet, you shall never know 
what I'll do for you. [Exit, l.h. 



18- THE MISER. 

Lap. Go to the gallows, to the devil, like a 
covetous good-for-nothing villain as you are. 

[Exit, r.h. 

END OF ACT I. 



ACT II. 

SCENE I.— A Chamber. 
Enter Ramilie, r.h. and Lappet, l.h. 

Ram. Well, madam, what success? 

Lap. Never was^j^elrson of rav function so 
used ; all my rhetorTCjft? ailed nothing. While I 
was talking to him about rft[g\ lady, he smiled 
and was pleased, but the moment I mentioned 
money to him, his countenance changed, and he 
understood not one word that I said. But now, 
Ramilie, what do you think this affair is that I 
am transacting ? 

Ram. Nay, Mrs. Lappet, now you are putting 
too severe a task upon me. How is it possible, 
in the vast variety of affairs which you honour 
with taking into your hands, that I should be 
able to guess which is so happy to employ your 
immediate thoughts? 

Lap. Let me tell you then, sweet sir! that 1 
am transacting an affair between your master'^ 
mistress and his father. 



THE MISER. 19 

Ram. What affair, pr'ythee ? 

Lap. What should it be but the old one, mat- 
rimony ? In short your master and his father are 
rivais. 

Ram. I am glad on 7 t, and I wish the old gen- 
tleman success with all my heart. 

Lap. How ! are you your master's enemy? 

Ram. No, madam, I am so much his friend 
that I had rather he should lose his mistress 
than his humble servant, which must be the 
case, for I am determined against a married 
family. I will never be servant to any man -wiio 
is not his own master. — But is the old gentleman 
in love? 

Lap. Oh, profoundly ! delightfully ! oh that 
you had but seen him its I have ; with his feet 
tottering, t^is.eyes wattering, his teeth chatter- 
ing! his old trunk was shaken with a fit of love, 
just as if it had been a fit of an ague. 

Ram. He will have more cold fits than hot I 
believe. — Well, if you do succeed in your under- 
taking, you will allow this, I hope, that 1 first 
put it into your head. 

Lap. Yes, it is true you did mention it first ; 
but I thought of it first, 1 am sure ; 1 must have 
thought of it: but I will not lose a moment's 
time ; for notwithstanding all 1 have said, young 
feliows are devils. Besides, this has a most 
plausible tongue and should he" get access to 
Mariana, may do in a few minutes what J shall 
never be able to undo as long as I live. [Exit, l.h. 

Ram. There goes the glory of all chamber- 
maids, match her who can. [Exit, r.h, 



20 THE MISER. 

SCENE II. — A Room in LovegoloVs House. 

Enter LovegOld, and Frederick, r.h. Mrs. Wise- 
ly, and Mariana, l.h. 

Mrs. Wise. Mr. Lovegold — my daughter. 

Love. Pray i.ive me leave, young lady : [Cros- 
ses to Centre.) I Have been told you have no great 
aversion to spectacles ; (Futs on his spectacles.) 
it "is not that your charms do not sufficiently 
strike the naked eye, or that they want addition ; 
but it is with glasses we look at the stars, and 
I'll maintain you are a star of beauty, that is, 
the finest, brightest, and most glorious of all 
stars. 

Mar. I shall never be able to hold it out, un- 
less you keep him at a greater distance. [Aside.) 

Love. [Listening.) I shall make the fellow 
keep his distance, madam. Hark'e, you Mr. 
Sppndall, why don't you come and make this 
lady some acknowledgment for the great honour 
she does your father? 

Fred. [Crosses to Mar.) My father has indeed, 
madam, much reason to be vain of his choice : 
you will be doubtless a very great honour to 
our family ; notwithstanding which, I cannot help 
saying, that if it were in my power 1 believe I 
should make no scruple of preventing the match. 

Mar. \ believe it indeed ; were they to ask 
the leave of their children, few parents ii$>u!d 
marry twice. 

Love. Why, you ill-bred blockhead, is that the 
compliment you make your mother-in-law. 



THE MISER. 21 

Fred. Well, sir, since you will have me talk 
in another style — Suffer me, madam, to put my- 
self in the place of my father ; and believe me 
when I swear to you I never saw any one half 
so charming; that I can imagine no happiness 
equal to that of pleasing you ; that to be called 
your husband would be to my ears a title more 
blest, more glorious, than that of the greatest of 
princes. 

Love. Hold, hold, sir! softly, if you please! 

Fred. I am only saying a few civil things, sir, 
for you to this lady. 

Love. Your humble servant, sir! I have a 
tongue to say civil things with myself; I have no 
need of such an interpreter as you are, sweet 
sir ! 

Mar. If your father could not speak better 
for himself than his son can for him, 1 am afraid 
he would meet with little success, 

Love. I don't ask you, ladies, to drink any 
wine before supper, lest it should spoil your 
stomachs. 

Fred. I have taken the liberty to order some 
sweetmeats, sir, and tokay, in the next room : 1' 
hope the ladies will excuse what is wanting. 

Mrs. Wise. There was no necessity for such a 
collation. 

Fred. {To Mariana.) Did you ever see, ma- 
dam, so fine a brilliant as that on my father's 
finger? 

Ma]r. It seems indeed to be a very fine one. 

Fred. You cannot judge of it, madam, unless 
you were to see it nearer. If you will give me 
. 3 



2% THE MISER. 

leave, sir. {Takes it off from his father' s finger and 
gives it to Mariana.) There is no seeing a jewel 
while it is on the finger. 

Mar. It is really a prodigious fine one. 

Fred. {Preventing Mariana, who is going to re- 
turn it.) No, madam, it is already in the best 
hands. My father, madam, intends it as a pre- 
sent to you, therefore 1 hope you will accept it. 

Love. Present! I! 

Fred. Is it not, sir, your request to this lady 
that she would wear this bauble for your sake ? 

Love. (Aside to his son.) Is the devil in you? 

Fred. He makes signs to me that I would en- 
treat you to accept it. 

Mar. 1 shall not upon my word. 

Fred. He will not receive it again. 

Love. I shall run stark staring mad ! (Aside.) 

Mar. I must insist on returning it. 

Fred. It would be cruel in you to refuse him; 
let me entreat you, madam, not to shock my 
poor father to such a degree. 

Mrs. Wise. It is ill-breeding, child, to refuse 
so often. 

Love. Oh that the devil would but fly away 
with this fellow. (Aside.) 

Fred. See, madam, what agonies he is in lest 
you should return it — It is not my fault, dear sir i 
1 do all 1 can to prevail with her — but she is ob- 
stinate. — For pity's sake, madam, keep it. 

Love. (To his son.) Infernal villain ! (Aside.) 

Fred My father will never forgive me, madam, 
unless I succeed : on my knees I entreat you. 

Love. The cut-throat! (Aside.) 



THE MISER. 2.3 

Mrs. Wise. Daughter, I protest you make me 
ashamed of you. Come, come, put up the ring, 
since Mr. Lovegold is so uneasy about it. 

Mar. Your commands, madam, always deter- 
mine me, and I shall refuse no longer. 

Love. I shall be undone ! I wish I was buried 
while I have one farthing left. (Aside.) 

Enter James, r.h. 

James. Sir, there is a man at the door who 
desires to speak with you. 

Love. Tell him I am busy — bid him come 
another time— bid him leave his business with 
you — 

James. Must he leave the money he has 
brought, with me, sir ? [Exit< r.h. 

Love. No, no, stay — tell him 1 come this in- 
stant. I ask pardon, ladies, I'll wait on you 
immediately. [Exit, r.h. 

Fred. Will you please, ladies, to walk into 
the next room, and taste the collation I was 
mentioning ? 

Mrs. Wise. Really, sir, this is an unnecessary 
trouble ; but since the tokay is provided, I will 
•taste one glass. 

Fred. I'll wait on you, madam. [Exeunt, l.h. 

SCENE II.— A Hall in Lovegold' s House. 
Enter Frederick and Ramilie, r.h. 
Fred. How ! Lappet my enemy ! and can she 



24 THE MISER. 

attempt to forward Mariana's marriage with my 
father? 

Ram. Sir, upon my honour, it is true. 

Fred. Go and fetch Lappet hither ; I'll try if I 
can't bring her over. 

Ram. Bring- her over ! A fig for her, sir ! I 
have a plot worth fifty of yours. I'll blow her up 
with your father : I'll make him believe just the 
contrary of every word she has told him. 

Fred. Can you do that ? 

Ram. Never fear it, sir ; I warrant my lies 
keep even pace with tier's. But. sir, I have 
another} lot; 1 don't question but before you 
sleep, I shall put you in possession of" some 
thousands of your father's money, 

Fred. But I am afraid that will be carrying 
the jest too far. 

Ram. Sir, I will undertake to make it out that 
robbing him is a downright meritorious act. 
Besides, sir, if you have any quaims of con- 
science, yen may return it him again : your hav- 
ing possession will bring him to any terms. 

Fred. Well, well. 1 believe there is little 
danger of thy stealing any thing from him. — So, 
about the first affair ; it is that only which causes 
my present pain. < 

Ram. Fear nothing, sir, whilst Ramilie lsyrunr 
friend. [Exit, r.h. 

Fred. If impudence can give a title to suc- 
cess. I am sure thou hast a good one. Ha ! 
kappet ! 



THE MISER. 



Enter Lappet, l.h. 

Lap. Hey-day ! Mr. Frederick ; you stand with 
your arras across, and look as melancholy as if 
tnere was a funeral going on in the house in- 
stead of a wedding. 

Fred. Mistress, undo immediately what you 
have done, prevent this match which you have 
forwarded, or, by all the devils which inhabit 
that heart of yours— 

Lap. For Heaven's sake, sir ! you do not in- 
tend to kill me ? 

Fred. What could drive your villainy to at- 
tempt to rob me of the woman I doat on more 
than life ? What could urge thee, when I trusted 
thee with my passion, when I have paid the 
most extravagant usury for money to bribe thee 
to be my friend, what could sway thee to betray 
me? 

Lap. As I hope to be saved, sir, whatever I 
have done was intended for your service 

Fred. It is in vain to deny it ; I know thou 
hast used thy utmost art to persuade my father 
into fhis match. 

Lap. Be but appeased, sir, and let me recover 
out of this terrible fright you have put me into, 
and I will engage to make you easy yet. — Sir I 
never did any thing yet so effectually but that I 
have Been capable of undoing it; nor have I 
ever sa»4 any thing so positively but that I have 
been able as positively to unsay it again. As 
for truth, I have neglected it so long, that i olten 
3 * 



26 THE MISER. 

forget which side of the question it is of; be- 
sides, I look on it to be so very insignificant to- 
wards success, that I am indifferent whether it is 
for me or against me. 

Fred. Let me entreat you, dear madam, to 
consider how very precious our time is, since 
the marriage is intended this very evening. 

Lap, That cannot be nor it shall not be. 

Fred. How ! how will you prevent it? 

Lap. By an infallible rule I have. But, sir, 
you was mentioning a certain little word cailed 
muney just now. 1 should not repeat it to \ ou, 
sir, but that really one goes about a thing with 
so much better a will, and one has so much bet- 
ter luck in it too, when one has got some littie 
matter by it 

Fred. Here, take all the money I have in my 
pocket, and on my marriage w.th Mariana thou 
shalt have fifty more. 

Lap. That is enough, sir ; if they were half- 
married already I would unmarry them again. 
1 am impatient till I am about it. — [Exit Fred. 
r.h.] — Oh, there is nothing like gold 10 qu»cken 
a woman's capacity. — Ha ! here he is. 

Enter Lovegold, l.h.u.e. 

Lap. Oh, unhappy, miserable creature that "I 
am ! what shall I do ? whither shall 1 go? 

Love What is the matter, Lappet? 

Lap. r o have been innocent; assisting in be- 
traying so good a man — so good a master — so 
good a friend ! 



THE MISER. fj 

Love. Lappet, I say. 

Lap. I shall never forgive myself; I shall 

never outlive it ; I shall never eat, drink, sleep — 

(Runs against him.\ 

Love. One would think you were walking in 
your sleep now. What can be the meaning of 
this? 

Lap. Oh, sir ! — you are undone, sir ; and I 
am undone. 

Love. How ! what ! has any one robbed me ? 
have I lost any thing ! 

Lap. No, sir ; but you have got something. 

Love. What? what? 

Lap. A wife, sir. 

Love. No, I have not yet. 

Lap. How, sir ! are you not married ? 

Love. No. 

Lap. That is the happiest word I ever heard 
com* 5 out of your mouth. 

Love. I have, for some particular reasons, put 
off the match for a few days. 

Lap. Yes, sir ; and for some particular rea- 
sons you shall put off the match for a few years. 

Love. What do you say ? 

Lap. Oh, sir ! this affair has almost determin- 
ed m^ never to engage in matrimonial matters 
again. 1 have been finely deceived in this lady ! 
I to*d you, sir, she had an estate in a certain 
country ; but I find it is all a cheat, sir; the dev- 
il of any estate has she ! 

Love. How ! not any estate at all ! How can 
she live then ? 

Lap. Nay, sir, heaven knows how half the 
people in this town live. 



28 THE MISER. 

Love. However, it is an excellent good quali- 
ty in a woman to be able to live without an estate. 
She that can make something out of nothing, 
will make a little go a great way. I am s^rry 
she has no fortune ; but considering all her sav- 
ing qualities, Lappet — 

Lap* All an imposition, sir ; she is the most 
extravagant wretch upon earth. 

Love. How ! how ! extravagant ? 

Lap. i tell you, sir, she is downright extrava- 
gance itself. 

Love. How was it possible for you to be de- 
ceived in her? 

Lap. Alas, sir! she would have deceived the 
devil ; she would have deceived even you : for, 
sir, during a whole fortnight, since you have 
been in love with her, she has made it her 
whole business to conceal her extravagance, and 
appear thrifty. 

Love. That is a good sign, though, Lappet, 
let me tell you, that is a good sign : right habits, 
as well as wrong, are got by affecting them ; and 
she who could be thrifty a whole fortnight, 
gives liveiy hopes that she may be brought to 
be so as long as she lives. 

Lap. She loves play to distraction; it is the 
only visible way in the world she has of a living. 

Love. She must win then, Lappet; and play, 
when people play the best of the game, is no 
such very bad thing. I'd play myself if I was 
sure of winning. Besides, as she plays only to 
support herself, when she can be supported with- 
out it, she may leave it off. 



THE MISER. 29 

Lap. To support her extravagance, in dress 
particularly; why, don't you see, sir, she is 
dressed out to-day like a princess 1 

Love. It may be an effect of prudence in a. 
young woman to dress in order to get a husband ; 
and as that is apparently her motive, when she 
is married that motive ceases ; and, to say the 
truth, she is in discourse a very prudent young 
woman. 

Lap. Think of her extravagance. 

Love. A woman of the greatest modesty. 

Lap. And extravagance. 

Love. She has really a very fine set of teeth. 

Lap. She will have all the teeth out of your 
head. 

Love. I never saw finer eyes. 

Lap. She will eat you out of house and home. 

Love. Charming hair. 

Lap. She will ruin you. 

Love. Sweet kissing lips, swelling breasts, and 
the finest shape that ever was embraced. 

(Catching Lappet in his arms.) 

Lap. Oh, sir ! 1 am not the lady. — Was ever 
such an old goat ! (Aside.) Well, sir, I see you 
are determined on the match, and so I desire 
you would pay me my wages. I cannot bear to 
see the ruin of a family, in which I have lived so 
long, that 1 have contracted as great a friend- 
ship for it as if it was my own ; I can't bear to 
see waste, riot, and extravagance ; to see all the 
wealth a poor, honest, industrious, gentleman 
has been raising all his life time, squandered 
away in a year or two, in feasts, balls, music, 
cards, clothes, jewels. — It would break my heart 



30 THE MISER. 

to see my poor old master eat out by a set of 
singers, fiddlers, milliners, mantua-makers, mer- 
cers, toymen, jewellers, fops, cheats, rakes — to 
see his guineas fly about like dust, all his ready 
money paid in one morning to one tradesman, 
his whole stock in the funds spent in one half 
year, all his land swallowed down in another, all 
his gold, nay, the very plate he has had in his 
family time out of mind which has descended 
from father to son ever since the flood, to see 
even that disposed of. What will they have 
next, I wonder, when they have had all that 
he is worth in the world, and left the poor 
old man without any thing to furnish his old 
age with the necessaries of life?- -Will they 
be contented then ? or, will they tear out his 
bowels, and eat them too! — (Both burst into 
tears.) — The laws are cruel to put it in the pow- 
er of a wife to ruin her husband in this manner. 
— And will any one tell me, that such a woman 
as this is handsome ? — What are a pair of shin- 
ing eyes, when they must be bought with the 
loss of all one's shining gold ? * 

Love. Oh, my poor old gold ! 

Lap. Perhaps she has a fine set of teeth? 

Love. My poor plate, that I have hoarded 
with so much care ! 

Lap. Or I'll grant she may have a most beau- 
tiful shape. 

Love. My dear lands and tenements ! 

Lap. What are the roses on her cheeks, or 
lilies in her neck ? 

Love. My poor India bonds, bearing at least 
three and a hail per cent. 



THE MISER. 31 

Lap. A fine excuse, indeed, when a man is 
ruined by his wife, to tell us he married a beauty. 

Enter a Lawyer, l.h. 

Law. Sir, the contract is ready ; my client 
has sent for the counsel on the other side, and 
he is now below examining it. 

Love. Get you out of my doors, you villain ! 
you and your client too ; I'll contract you with a 
plague. — {Beats him off, l.h.) — I am very much 
obliged to you, Lappet ; indeed I am very much 
obliged to you. 

Lap. I am sure, sir, I have a very great satis- 
faction in serving you, and i hope you will con- 
sider of that little affair that 1 mentioned to you 
to-day about my law-suit. 

Love. I am very much obliged to you. 

Lap. I hope, sir, you wont suffer me to be 
ruined when I have preserved you from it. 

Love. Hey! {Appearing deaf .) 

Lap. You know, sir, that in Westminster-hall 
money and right are always on the same side. 

Lov. Ay, so they are ; very true, so they are ; 
and therefore no one can take too much Gare of 
his money. 

Lap. The smallest matter of money, sir, would 
do me an infinite service. 

Love. Hey ! what ? 

Lap. A small matter of money, sir, would do 
me a great kindness. 

Love. Oh ho ! I have a very great kindness 
for you ; indeed I have a very great kindnesi for 
you. 



32 THE MISER. 

Lap. Plague take your kindness ! — I'm only 
losing time ; there's nothing to be got out of 
him ; so I'll even to Frederick, and see what the 
report of my success will do there. — Ah, would I 
were married to thee myself. (Aside.) 

\Exit, L.H. 

Love. What a prodigious escape have I had! 
I cannot look at the precipice without being 
giddy. 

Enter Ramiue, l.h. 

Love. Who is that? Oh, is it you, sirrah? how 
dare you enter within these walls ? 

Ram. Truly, sir,' I can scarcely reconcile it to 
myself. I think, after what has happened, you 
have no great title to my friendship : but I don't 
know how it is, sir, there is something or other 
about you which strangely engages my affec- 
tions, and which, together with the friendship I 
have for your son, wont let me suffer you to be 
imposed upon ; and to prevent that, sir, is the 
whole and sole occasion of my coming within 
your doors. Did not a certain lady, sir, called 
Mrs. Lappet, depart from you just now ? 

Love. What if she did, sirrah? 

Ram. Has she not, sir, been talking to you 
about a young lady whose name is Mariana ? 

Love. Well, and what then ? 

Ram. W r hy then, sir, every single syllable she 
has told you, has been neither more nor less 
than a most confounded lie, as is indeed every 
word she says ; for I don't believe, upon a 



THE MISER. 33 

modest calculation, she has told six truths since 
she has been in the house. She is made up 
of lies : her father was an attorney, and her 
mother was chambermaid to a maid of honour. 
Love. She comes of a damned lying family. 
Ram. The first word she spoke was a lie, and 
so will be the last. I know she has pretended 
a great affection for you, that's one lie, and 
every thing she has said of Mariana is another. 
Love How ! how ! are you sure of this ? 
Ram. Why, sir, she and I laid the plot to- 
gether ; and one time, indeed, I myself was 
forced to deviate a little from the truth, but it 
was with a good design; the jade pretended to 
me that it was out of friendship to my master ; 
that it was because she thought such a match 
would not be at all to his interest ; but alas, sir ! 
I know her friendship begins and ends at home, 
and that she has friendship for no person living 
herself. Why, sir, do but look at Mariana, sir, 
and see whether you can think her such a sort 
of woman as she has described her to you. 

Love. Indeed she has appeared to me always 
in a different light. I do believe what you say. 
— I will go and deny all that I said to the law- 
yer, and put an end to every thing this moment. 
I knew it was impossible she could be such a 
sort of woman. And for this piece of intelli- 
gence, I'll give you — I'll give you — No, I'll 
forgive you all your faults. [Exit, l.h. 

Ram. And I will go find out my master, make 
him the happiest of all mankind, squeeze his 
4 



34 THE MISER. 

purse, and then get drunk for the honour of all 
party-coloured politicians. [Exit, l.h. 

SCENE III.— The Hall 
Enter Frederick and Lappet, r.h. 

Fred. Excellent Lappet ! I shall never think 
I have sufficiently rewarded you for what you 
have done. 

Lap. I have only done half the business yet: 
I hiv^ , I believe, effectually broke off the match 
with your father. Now, sir, I shall make up the 
matter between you and her. 

Fred. Do but that, dear girl ! and I'll coin my- 
self into guineas. 

Enter Ramilie, l.h. 

Rim. Oh, madam, I little expected to have 
found you and my master together after what 
has happened ; 1 did not think you had the as- 
surance — 

Fred. Peace, Ramilie ! all is well, and Lappet 
is the best friend I have in the world 

Ram. Yes, sir, all is well, indeed ; no thanks 
to her. — Happy is the master that has a good 
servant ; a good servant is certainly the great- 
est treasure in th'*s world. — I have done your 
business for you, sir 1 have frustrated all she 
h'is been doing, denied all she has been telling 
him : in e^ort, sir, I observed her ladyship in a 
long conference with the old gentleman, mighti- 



THE MISER. 35 

ly to your interest as you may imagine ; no 
sooner was she gone, than I steps in, and made 
the old gentleman beiieve every single syllable 
she has told him to he a most confounded lie, 
and away he is gone, fully determined to put an 
end to the affair. 

Lap. And sgn the contract : so now, sir, you 
are ruined without reprieve. 

Fred. Death and damnation ! fool i villain ! 

Ram. Heyday! what is the meaning of this! 
have I done any more than you commanded 
me? 

Fred. Nothing but my cursed stars could have 
contrived so damned an accident. 

Ram. You cannot blame me, sir, whatever has 
happened. 

Fred. I don't blame you, sir, nor myself, nor 
any one. Fortune has marked me out for mi- 
sery ; but I will be no longer idle : since I am 
to be ruined I'll meet my destruction. [Eocfct, r.h. 

Lap. {They stand some time in silence looking 
at each other.) \ give you joy, sir, of <he success 
of your negociation : you have approved your- 
self a most able person, truly, and, I dare swear, 
when your skill is once known, you will not 
want employment, But, sir, how durst you go 
and betray me to your master, for he has told 
me all ? Never see my face again. [Exit, r.h. 

Ram. Now f 11 to rry lurking p^ace. I'm sure 
this old rogue has monev hid in the garden ; if 
I can but discover it, I shall handsomely quit all 
scores with the old gentleman, and make my 



36 THE MISER. 

master a sufficient return for the loss of his mis- 
tress. [Exit, L.H. 

END OF ACT II. 



ACT III. 

SCENE l.—Lovegold's Garden. 

Enter Ramilie, l.h. with a Box; Frederick, 
r.h.u.e. 

Ram. Follow me, 9ir, follow me this instant. 

Fred. What's the matter ? 

Ram. Follow me, sir; we are in the right 
box ; the business is done. 

Fred. What's done? 

Ram. I have it under my arm, sir ; — here it is 1 

Fred. What ? what ? 

Ram. Your father's soul, sir, his money. — Fol- 
low me, sir, this moment. [Exeunt, r.h. 

Enter Lovegold, l.h. in the utmost distraction. 

Love. Thieves! thieves! assassination! mur- 
der ! I am undone ! all my money is gone ! Who 
is the thief? where is the villain? where shall 
I find him ? Give me my money again, villain.-— 
{Catching himself by the arm.) — I am distracted ! 
1 know not where I am, nor what I am, nor 
what I do. Oh, my money, my money! Ha! 



THE MISER. 37 

what say yon ? Alack-a-day"! here is no 
one. The villain must have watched his time 
carefully; he must have done it while I was 
signing that damned contract. I will go to a 
justice, and have all my house put to their oaths, 
my servants, my children, my mistress, and my- 
self too; all the people in the house, and in the 
street, and in the town, I will have them all 
executed ; I will hang all the world, and if 1 don't 
find my money I will hang myself afterwards. 

[Exit, r.h. 

SCENE II. — ^3 Chamber. 

Enter Mariana, Mrs. Wisely, Furnish, Satin, 
and Sparkle, l.h. 

Mar. You will take care, Mr. Furnish, and let 
me have those two beds with the utmost expedi- 
tion. 

Furnish. I shall take a particular care, raa- 
dam ; I shall put them both in hand to-morrow 
morning ; I shall put off some work, madam, on 
that account. 

Mar. Oh, Mr. Satin ! have you brought those 
gold stuffs I ordered you ? 

Sat. Yes, madam, I have brought your lady- 
ship some of the finest patterns that were ever 
made. 

Mar. Well, Mr Sparkle, have you the neck- 
lace and earrings with you ? 

Sparkle. Yes, madam, and I defy any jeweller 
in town to shew you their equals j they are, \ 
4 * 



38 THE MISER. 

think, the finest water I ever saw ; they are 
finer than the Duchess of Glitter's, which have 
been so much admired : I have brought you a 
solitaire too, madam! my Lady Raffle bought 
the fellow of it yesterday. (Presenting it.) 

Mar. Sure it has a flaw in it, sir. 

Sparkle. Has it, madam ? then there never 
was a brilliant without one ! I am sure, madam, 
I bought it for a good stone, and if it be not a 
good stone, you shall have it for nothing. 

Enter Lovegold, r.h. 

Love. It's lost, it's gone, it's irrecoverable ; 
I shall never see it more ! (Aside.) 

Mar. And what will be the lowest price of 
the neclace and ear-rings ? 

Sparkle. If you were my sister madam, I 
could not 'bate you one farthing of three thou- 
sand guineas. 

Love. What do you say of three thousand 
guineas, villain ? have you my three thousand 
guineas ? 

Mrs. Wise. Bless me, Mr. Lovegold ! what's 
the matter? 

Love. I am undone ; I am ruined ! my money 
is stolen ! my dear three thousand guineas that 
I received but yesterday are taken away from 
the place I had put them in, and I shall never 
see them again ! 

Mar. Don't let them make you uneasy, you 
may possibly recover them ; or, if you should 
aot, the loss is but -a trifle. 



THE MISER. ^9 

Love. How ! a trifle ! do you call three thou- 
sand guineas a trifle ! 

Mrs. Wise. She sees you so disturbed that she 
is willing 1 to make as light of your loss as possi- 
ble, in order to comfort you. 

Love. To comfort me ! can she comfort me 
by calling three thousand guineas a trifle ? But 
telljme, what were you saying of them ? have 
you seen them ? 

Sparkle. Really, sir, I do not understand you ; 
I was telling the lady the price of a necklace 
and a pair of ear-rings, which are cheap at three 
thousand guineas. 

Love. How? what? what? 

Mar. I can't think them very cheap ; how- 
ever, I am resolved to have them ; so let him 
have the money, sir, if you please. 

Love. I am in a dream ! 

Mar. You will be paid immediately, sir. 
Well, Mr. Satin, and pray what is the highest 
priced gold stuff you have brought? 

Sat. Madam, I have one of twelve pounds a- 
yard. 

Mar. It must be pretty at that price ; let me 
have a gown and petticoat cut off. 

Love. You shall cut off my head first. What 
are you doing ? are you mad ? 

Mar. I am only preparing a proper dress to 
appear in as your wife. 

Love. Sirrah, offer to open any of your pick- 
pocket trinkets here, and I'll make an example 
of you. 



40 THE MISI 

Mar. Mr. Lovegold, give me leave to tell you, 
this is a behavour I don't understand: you give 
me a fine pattern before marriage of the usage 
I am to expect after it. 

Love. Here are fine patterns of what I am to 
expect after it ! 

Mar. I assure you sir, I shall insist on all the 
privileges of an English wife : I shall not be 
taught to dress by my husband ; 1 am myself the 
best .iudge of what you can afford; and if I do 
stretch your purse a little, it is for your honour, 
sir: the world will know it is your wife that 
makes such a figure. 

Love. Can you bear to hear £bis, madam ? 

(To Mrs. Wise.) 

Mrs. Wise. I should not countenance my 
daughter in any extravagance, sir; — she will 
m-ver run you into unnecessary expenses; so 
far from it, that if you will but generously make 
her a present of five thousand pounds to fit her- 
self out at first in clothes and jewels, I dare swear 
you will not have any other demand on these 
accounts— I don't know when. 

Mar. No, unless a birth-night suit or two, I 
shall scarce want any thing more this twelve- 
month. 

Love. I am undone, plundered, murdered I 
however, there is one comfort, I am not mar- 
ried yet. 

Mar. And free to choose whether you will 
marry at all or no. 

Mrs, Wise. The consequence, you know, will 
be no more than a poor ten thousand pounds^ 



THE MISER. 41 

which is all the forfeiture of the breach of con- 
tract. 

Love. But, madam, I have one way yet : I 
have not bound my heirs and executors, and so 
if I hang myself I shall be off tne bargain. — In 
the mean while I'll try if I cannot rid my house 
of this nest of thieves.— Get out of my doors 
you cutpurses. {To Sparkle and Furnish.) 

Sparkle. Pay me for my jewels, sir, or return 
'em me. 

Love. Give him his baubles, give them him. 

Mar. I shail not, I assure you* You need be 
under no apprehension, sir; you see Mr. Love-, 
gold is a little disordered at present, but if you 
will come to-morrow you shall have your mo- 
ney. 

Sparkle. I'll depend on your ladyship, ma- 
dam. 

Loz 
you to do here ? 

Furnish. I am an upholsterer, sir, and am come 
to new-furnish your house. 

Love. Out of my doors this instant, or I will 
disfurnish your head for you ; I'll beat out your 
brains. {Beats the Tradesmen out, l.h.) 

Mrs. Wise. Sure, sir, you are mad. 

Love. I was when I signed the contract. Oh 
that I had never learnt to write my name ! 

Mar. I suppose, sir, you expect to be finery 
spoken of abroad for this ; you will get an ex- 
cellent character in the world by this beha- 
tviour ? 
L Mrs. Wise. Is this your gratitude to a woman 



i 



42 THE MISER. 

who has refused so much better offers on your 
account ? 

Love. Oh, would she had taken them ! Give 
me up my contract, and I will gladly resign all 
right and title whatsoever. 

Mrs. Wise. It is too late now, the gentlemen 
have had their answers; a good offer, refused 
once, is not to be had again. 

Enter Servant, l.h, 

Ser. Madam, the taylor, whom your ladyship 
sent for, is come. 

Mar. Bid him come in. — [Exit Ser. l.h.] — 
This is an instance of the regard I have for 
you. I have sent for one of the best tailors in 
town to make you a new suit of clothes, that 
you may appear like a gentleman ; for as it is 
for your honour that I should be well dressed, 
so it is for mine that you should. Come, ma- 
dam, we will go in and give farther orders con- 
cerning the entertainment. 

[Exeunt, Mrs. Wisely and Mariana, r.h. 

Enter List, l.h. 

Love. Oh, Lappet, Lappet ! the time thou 
hast prophesied of is come to pass. 

List. I am your honour's most humble servant. 
My name is List :. I presume 1 am the person 
you sent for.— The laceman will be here imme- 
diately. Will your honour be pleased to be ta- 1 
ken measure of first, or look over the patterns ? 



THE MISER. 43 

if you please, we will take measure first. I do 
not know, sir, who was so kind as to recommend 
me to you, but 1 believe i shall give you entire 
satisfaction. I may defy any tailor in England 
to understand the fashion better than myself; 
the thing is impossible, sir. 1 always visit France 
twice a-year ; and, though I say it, that should 
not say it. — Stand upright, if you please, sir — 
(Taking measure.) 

Love. I'll take measure of your back, sirrah — 
I'll teach such pickpockets as you are to come 
here — out of my doors, you villain 

List. Heyday, sir ! did you send for me for 
this, sir? — shall bring j'ou in a bill without any 
clothes. [Exit, l.h. 

Enter Lappet, l.h. 

Lap. Where is my poor master ? Oh, sir, I 
cannot express the affliction I am in to see you 
devoured in this manner. How could you, sir, 
when 1 told you what a woman she was, how 
could you undo yourself with your eyes open ? 

Love. Poor Lappet ! had I taken your advice 
I had been happy. 

Lap. And I too, sir ; for, alack-a-day ! I am 
as miserable as you are ; I feel every thing for 
you, sir ; indeed I shall break my heart upon 
your account. 

Love. I shall be much obliged to you if you 
do, Lappet. 

Lap. How could a man of your sense, sir, 
siarry in so precipitate a manner I 



44 THE MISER. 

Love. I am not married ; I am not married. 

Lap. Not married ! 

Love. No, no, no. 

Lap. All's safe yet. No man is quite undone 
till he is married. 

Love, I am, I am undone. Oh, Lappet ! I can- 
not tell it thee. I have given her a bond, a 
bond, a bond of ten thousand pounds to marry 
her! 

Lap. You shall forfeit it — 

Love. I'll be buried alive sooner: no, I am 
determined I'll marry her first, and hang myself 
afterwards, to save my money. 

Lap. 1 see, sir, you are undone ; and if you 
should hang yourself I could not blame you. 

Love. Could I but save one thousand by it I 
would hang myself with all my soul. Shall I 
live to die not wortfc a groat ? {A noise without, 
l.h.) Oh! oh! dear Lappet! see what it is! 
I shall be undone in an hour — [Exit Lappet, 
l.h.] — Oh ! oh ! why did not I die a year ago ? 
What a deal of money I should have saved had 
I died a year ago- 

Re-enter Lappet, l.h. 

Lap. Oh ! sir ! I am scarce able to tell you. 
It is spread about the town that you are mar- 
ried, and your wife's creditors are coming in 
whole flocks. There is one single debt for five 
thousand pounds, which an attorney is without 
to demand. 



THE MISER. 45 

Love. Oh ! oh ! oh ! let them cut my throat. 

Lap. Thmk what an escape you have had ! 
think if you had married her — 

Love, I am as bad as married to her. 

Lap. It is impossible, sir; nothing can be so 
bad : what, you are to pay her ten thousand 
pounds — Well — and ten thousand pounds are a 
sum ; they are a sum, I own it — they are a sum, 
but what is such a sum compired with such a 
wife? if you marry her, in one week you will 
be in a prison, sir. 

Love. If I am, 1 can keep my money ; they 
can't take that from me. 

Lap. Suppose, sir, it were possible (not that I 
believe it is,) but suppose it were possible to 
make her abate a little ; suppose one could 
bring her to eight thousand ? 

Love. Eight thousand devils take her ! 

Lap. But, dear sir! consider, nay, consider 
immediately, for every minute you lose, you 
lose a sum. Be resolute, sir; consider every 
gu.nea you give saves you a score. 

Love. Weil, if she will consent to, to, to, 
eight hundred — But try, do try, if you can make 
her 'bate any thing of that — if you can — you 
shall have a twentieth part of what she 'bates 
for yourself. 

Lap. Why, sir, if F could get you off at eight 
thousand you ought to leap out of your skin for 

joy 

Love. \ wish I was out of my skin. 
Lap. {Knocking without, l.h.) So, so, more 
5 



46 THE MISER. 

duns I suppose — Go but into the kitchen, sir, or 
the hall, and it will have a better effect on you 
than all I can say. 

Love. What shall I do? Part with eight thou- 
sand pounds ! I shall run distracted either way. 

[ExitjL.H. 
. Lap. Ah ! would we could once prove you so, 
you old covetous good-for-nothing. 

Enter Mariana, r.h. 

Mar. Well, what success? 

Lap. It is impossible to tell ; he is just gone 
into the kitchen, where, if he is not frightened 
into our design, I shall begin to despair. They 
say fear will make a coward brave, but nothing 
can make him generous ; the very fear of los- 
ing all he is worth will scarce bring him to part 
with a penny. 

Mar. And have you acquainted Frederick with 
my intentions? 

Lap. Neither, I assure you. Ah, madam, had 
I not been able to have kept a secret I had ne- 
ver brought about those affairs that I have : f 
were I not secret, lud have mercy upon many a 
virtuous woman's reputation in this town ! 

Enter Lovegold, l.h. 

Love. I am undone ! I am undone ! I am eat 
up ! I am devoured ! I have an army of cooks . 
m my house. 



THE MISER. 47 

Lap. Dear madam, consider ; I know eight 
thousand pounds are a trifle ; f know they are 
nothing ; my master can very well afford them; 
they will make no hole in his purse ; and if you 
should stand out you will get more. 

Ttove. (Patting his hand before Lappet's mouth} 
You lie, you lie, you lie, you lie, you lie : 
she never could get more, never should get 
more ; it is more than I am worth ; it is an im- 
mense sum ; and 1 will be starved, drowned, 
shot, hanged, burnt, before 1 part with a penny 
of it. 

Lap. For heaven's sake, sir, you will ruin all. 
— Madam, let me beg you, entreat you, to 'bate 
these two thousand pounds. Suppose a lawsuit 
should be the consequence, I know my master 
would be cast ; I know it would cost him an im- 
mense sum of money, and that he would pay the 
charges of both in the end ; but you might be 
kept out of it a long time. Eight thousand 
pounds now are better than ten five years 
hence. 

Mar. No ; the satisfaction of my revenge on 
a man who basely departs from his word will 
make me amends for the delay ; and whatsoever 
I suffer, as long as I know his ruin will be the 
consequence, 1 shall be easy. 

Love. Oh, bloody-minded wretch ! 

Lap. Why, sir, since she insists on it, what 
does it signify ? You know you are in her pow- 
er, and it will be only throwing away more mo- 
ney to be compelled to it at last ; why, sir, get 



48 THE MISER. 

rid of her at once : what are two thousand 
pounds ? why, sir, the Court of Chancery will 
eat it up for a breakfast : it has been given for a 
mistress, and will you not give it to be rid of 
a wife ? Besides, sir — (They whisper.) 

Love. How ! and will you swear a robbery 
against her? that she robbed me of what I shall 
give her ? (Aside to Lap.) 

Lap. Depend on it, sir. (Aside to Love.) 

Lore. I'll break open a bureau to make it look 
the more likely (Aside to Lap.) 

Lap. Do so, sir ; but lose no time ; give it 
her this moment. Madam, my master has con- 
sented and if you have the contract, he is ready 
to pay the money. — Be sure to break open the 
bureau sir. (Aside to Love.) 

Mar. Here is the contract. 

Love. I'll break open the bureau. 

(Aside to Lap.*) 

Lap. Do sir. (Aside to Love.) 

Love. But wont that spoil the lock ? 

(Aside to Lap.) 

Lap. Pshaw ! never mind the lock. 

(Aside to Love.) 

Love. I'll fetch the money — 'tis all I am worth 
in the wr rid. [Exit, l.h. 

Mar. Sure he will ne\er be brought to ityetT^ 

Lap. I warrant him : but you are to pay 
dearer for it than you imagine, for I am to 
swear a robbery against you. What will you 
give me, madam, to buy off my evidence ? 

Mar And is it possible that the old rogue 
would consent to such a villainy ? 



J 



THE MISER. 49 

Lap. Ay, madam ; for half that sum he would 
hang half the town. But truly I can never be 
made amends for all the pains I have taken on 
your account. Were I to receive a single gui- 
nea a lie, for every one 1 have told this dajr, it 
would make me a pretty tolerable fortune. 

Enter Lovegoj d, l.h, 

hove. Here, here they are — all in bank-notes 
— all the money 1 am worth in the world — I 
have sent for a constable ; she must not go out 
of sight before we have her taken into custody. 

{Aside to Lap.) 

Lap. (To Love.) You have done very wisely. 

Jjove. (Counting the notes as he gives them.) 
One — two — three — four— tive — six — eight. 

Mar. No sir — there are only seven. 

Love. (Gives her another.) — eight — nine — ten. 
Give me my contract. 

(She gives it and he tears it.) 

Mar. Now, sir, I have noibing to do but to 
make myself as easy as 1 can in my loss. 

Love. Oh! my money ! my mooey ! my mo- 



ney. 



Enter Frederick, l.h. 



Fred. If this lady does not make you amends 
for the loss of your money, resign ov r all pre- 
tensions in her to me, and I will engage to g^t 
it restored to you. 



,: 



60 THE MISER. 

Love. How, sirrah ? are you a confederate ? 
have you helped to rob me ? 

Fred. Softly, sir, or you shall never see your 
guineas again. 

Love. I resign her over to you entirely, and 
may you both starve together ! so, go fetch my 
gold. 

Mar. "Vou are easily prevailed upon, I see, to 
resign a right which you have not. But were I 
to resign over mvself it wouid hardly be the 
man's fortune to starve whose wife brought him 
ten thousand pounds. 

Love. Bear witness she has confessed she has 
the money, and I shall prove she stole it from 
me. Lappet is my evidence. She has broke 
the bureau ; with a great kitchen poker. 

Lap. I hope I shall have all your pardons, 
and particularly yours, madam, whom I have 
most injured. 

Love. A fig for her pardon ! you are doing a 
right action. 

Lap. Then if there were any robbery, you 
must have robbed j'ourself. This lady can only 
be a receiver of stolen goods, for I saw you give 
her the money with your own hands. 

Love. How ! I ! you ! what ! what ! 

Lap. And I must own it, with shame I must 
own it — that the money you gave her, in ex- 
change for the contract, I promised to swear 
she had stolen from you. 

Love. [ am undone, undone, undone ! 

Fred. No, sir, your three thousand guineas 
are safe yet. 



THE MISER. 51 

Love. But then the ten thousand, where are 
they? 

Mar. Where they ought to be, in the hand of 
one who I think deserves them. 

(Gives them to Frederick.) 

Love. Sirrah ! give me my notes, give me my 
notes. 

Fred. You must excuse me, sir ; I can part 
with nothing I receive from this lady. 

Lap. Be pacified, sir ; I think the lady has 
acted nobly in giving that back again into your 
family which she might have carried out of it. 

Love. My family be hanged ! If I am robbed, 
I don't care who robs me. I would as soon hang 
my -on as another — and 1 will hang him if he 
does not restore me all 1 have lost : for I would 
not give half that sum to save the whole world. 
— 1 will go and employ all the lawyers in town ; 
for I will have my money again, if law, justice, 
or injustice will get it me. [Exit, l.h. 

Fred. 1 am resolved we will get the better of 
him now : but oh, Mariana ! your generosity is 
much greater in bestowing this sum than my 
happiness in receiving it. From what we have 
seen lately, 1 think riches are rather to be fear- 
ed than wished; but it is the Miser endeavours 
to be wretched. 

He hoards eternal cares within his purse, 

And what he wishes most } proves most his curse, 



62 



THE MISER. 



Disposition of the Characters when the Curtain falls. 



JPfnfoL 



OXBERRY'S EDITION 

OF 



WeLLS $ LILLY, (Boston,) have commenc- 
ed reprinting a Series of Plays that are now pub- 
lishing in londoi;, and known as Oxberry's Edi- 
tion, whi a * s tne on ty °ne ever published con- 
taining t^ stage business and directions for cor- 
rect nf formance of plays. 

eg A number is published every Saturday,. 
p r j. to Subscribers, — each play 25 cents — each 
m sO-drame or farce, 20 cents, 





Extract from the English Publishers 1 Prospectus. 
"It is intended in this Publication to comprise the most 
.opular Theatrical Pieces of every description, and to gratify the 
lovers of Dramatic Literature and the Professors of the Stage, 
Afith a standard and portable edition of the English Dra- 
ma, arranged hi a style of novelty and excellence unknown to 
the manifold selections of a comparative nature by which this 
work has been preceded. Not to expatiate upon the glaring 
, errors, of iuadveftence or design, by which the best works of 
; this kind are degraded, the present attempt to correct mistake, 
i expunge redundancy, and supply omission, will be coupled 
with such matures of utility as it is, perhaps, in the power of 



NEW ENGLISH DRAMA. 



its ostensible Editor alone to 
at once be enabled to appreci 
oi this plan, by a disclosur< 
Publishers, with most respei 
claims to support. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




014 154 322 2 



11 be printed 
The exact tir\ that each act 
correctly stated, parties who 
end of the play i\y thug f , r(Jer 



"Every Play, Farce, M< 
from its respective official copy, 
takes in representation will be 
wish to leave the Theatre at the 
their carriages to an exact hour. 

1 The sides of entrance and exit will be carefully V e( j . 
the Staueplot, or disposition of the* ^characters, gi\ up01 
every change, in a form of perfect originality, and l\j noug 
information. Such am addendum must prove of incomj. ^ ble 
value to provincial performers, by whom the business < 
scene is at all times a matter of laborious attainment, and\ 
thus alone be rendered an object of easy, and authentic acq>^ 
sition. 

" Obscure passages in the earliest Poets will be clearly ex- 
plained, tiie predominant Costume correctly described, and a 
critical Estimate affixed to every Production, of its literary and 
dramatic pretensions. 

"The Superintendence of this publication \v\\\ be assumed 
by W.OXBERRY, of the Theatre Royal, Drury ;...-..-, 
ed, in the editorial department, by public W rite$^ j^u%'.#b- 
servaiion, and erudite research.. UmiM ii auspices, ihrj 
NEW English Drama will be fully entitled, Jit is hoped, tc 
that Approbation and Encouragement, which no endeavour oi 
expense shall be spared to procure and enlarge/ 



